1. Children are being trafficked to fill out appetites. www.traffick911.com

2. Young girls have become predators as much as they have become prey; soliciting sex from boys, other girls, older men for fun, for power and for money.

3. Fathers are finding hard to face that their demand for the perfect figure has them lusting for girls that are the same as their underage daughters.

4. Many of the pretty faces that adorn the strip clubs are the faces of girls found at the strip mall who barely are old enough to have work permits and drivers licenses.

5.  Someone is making money off of our lust, our displaced desires, our misplaced focus, while we lose our loved ones and finally ourselves into this dark world and they do not care what we lose for them to gain.

There is no limit. What you say you will you will do. Lust drives the desire for porn and lust is like yeast, it grows and contaminates.  Please take the time to put your passion in check, before you risk your life over just a few seconds…

No one that I  ever knew replied, when they were first asked what they wanted to be when they grew up … just a hole!

If you love porn, the problem is that you are broken and  need to be made whole and to know that each time you treat someone like a hole, you lose a valuable piece of your soul….

What is the best journey you can take?  

The best journey you can take is the one back to YOU! Often times, during the course of our life’s journey we become sidetracked and lost only to find ourselves on the road toward a destination that we have not chosen and/or envisioned for ourselves. Many times, we end up on that road, due to bad directions from others, due to our having misread the directions for our lives, from our having not adhered to the directions we know that we must travel so that we arrive safely to our destination or from our not having any directions at all and having failed to find a guide or mentor that has traveled our road or at least can read the pertinent parts of our road map and gives us guidance along the way.

If you are feeling lost and confused, you may not be on your journey. If you are feeling overwhelmed, you may not be on your journey. If you feel like you are going through the motions with no joy or hope for tomorrow, you may not be on your journey. If you are taking directions from others without first considering, if you are headed where God wants you to go, you may not be on your journey. If you are doing what others tell you and have not given much thought to what you are doing and why, you may not be on your journey.

Most of the great leaders in history spent at least one long period in solitude thinking about the direction and course that their lives needed to take. Moses went to the mount, Jesus went to the “wilderness”, Ghandi created a commune. Each went searching for the path that their lives should take and they went alone so as not to be influenced by others who might give them wrong directions. Some of us spend time at the park, in the library, in study, in meditation, in prayer, amongst others and are able to find that path that leads us to our personal fulfillment and destiny.

Ten ways to be on your journey back to you:

1. Evaluate your values are belief system. Make sure that they will allow you to make a positive impact in your personal life, in your community and in the world. You were born to make a positive difference. When we are making a positive impact, we are usually on our journey.

2. Listen to your spirit, make sure the “voices” you are hearing that you allow to guide you are not demeaning, negative, blaming, hurtful. God does not speak to us in that manner. He directs us gently and lovingly and affirms us. He may warn us, but he provides us a solution and speaks to us with a positive course of action. He wants to make sure we follow our path.

3. Listen to your spirit until you hear the “voices” that affirm and comfort who you really are and not who you think you should be or who others may have told you that you are.

4. Write down how you would like to see yourself in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years and honestly ask yourself are you headed in the direction of those desires. Keep a journal and keep track of where you are heading. If you happen to get lost, it is easier to get back on track when you know where you deviated and went awry.

5. Make sure you value who you are with or without beauty, with or without money and with or without any of the “trappings” that we are convinced that matter in this world and to this world.

6. Find a mentor that has already gone your path successfully and be willing to ask them to share where the “ditches” and “pitfalls” are so that you do not stumble or become sidetracked. Even though you may have a mentor and sometimes a travel mate, this is your journey so be willing to go some of it alone and some of it in the dark just follow your heart – keep it pure and it will be your best guide.

7. Invest in yourself, spiritually, physically, educationally and financially. Find a place to worship, a place to work out, exercise and to shop for nourishing foods, a place where you can learn what you need to be equipped properly for your journey and find a way to save money toward your future as well as to have financial resources to purchase what you need for “travel”.

8. Take daily introspective looks into yourself. Be honest so that you can hold yourself accountable to making sure you are headed on your path.

9. Be forgiving of others and yourself when you lose the way and be willing to get back on course. After forgiving yourself and others, be willing to release, leave or disconnect from those that are not going your direction or have you momentarily sidetrack or lost.

10. Encourage others to find their journey to themselves.

Quotes to remember:

The journey of happiness involves finding the courage to go down into ourselves and take responsibility for what’s there; all of it.

Richard Rohr , American Spriritual Leader

The longest journey is the journey inwards. Of him who has chosen his destiny, who has started upon the quest for the source of his being.

Dag Hammarskjold, Swedish Politician

Words to remember:

Adhered – to give support or maintain loyalty 

Pertinent – having a clear decisive relevance to the matter in hand 

Deviated – to stray especially from a standard, principle, or topic 

Awry – off the correct or expected course 

“trappings” –

“ditches” –

“pitfalls” –

Introspective – reflective looking inward: an examination of one’s own thoughts and feelings 

A good friend emailed me the other day and the quote at the bottom of his email read:

You were born an original, don’t die a copy! Thank you Eric!!!!    

It has been proven that those who finish college, typically earn more than those who do not. Additionally, statistics prove that those with advanced college degrees, typically earn more than those with lesser degrees. However, completing college and earning a degree does not guarantee that you will earn more than your non-degreed peers, nor does it guarantee that you necessarily will be more successful.

After having gone to college and evaluated my personal success and the success of my peers who have done the same and more and after having interviewed, hired and dismissed a fair share of college and non-college graduates alike, I have drawn conclusions that I think you will find useful and if you follow them you should increase your earning potential incredibly whether you complete college or not. Additionally, you will earn more than just money, but a sense of satisfaction and peace with your life, overall.

1. Find your interest early. The earlier you find what you enjoy doing so much that you would do it for free, the better. That will typically be a clue where your gifts, talents, strengths and most of potential earnings are. Be devoted to developing the skills related to your interests. Be willing to invest the time to become the very best in your field of interest. Perhaps your interest requires a college degree than pursue a degree and challenge yourself to be one of the best in your field. If your interest does not require a degree, but rather special certification and/or training than find a reputable mentor and obtain every type of certificate and all of the applicable training that you can. Read books, reports and trade magazines regarding your interest. Try to locate others who have been successful in the same field and study them and their achievements. Locate a mentor in your field of interest. Be willing to invest money to become a pro in your field, purchasing books, reports, magazines, tools etc.

2. Take your credit seriously. Do not use it for minor material goods that will have little or no impact on your future. Establish your credit and retain it for supporting your future, for example for paying for school books, for business equipment, for real estate purchases etc. Make sure to pay your debts and loans timely, you may need these credit lines in your future and having them could make the difference between your pinching pennies your entire lifetime or your becoming a millionaire. Do not use your credit for day to day expenses like groceries and gas, find another means like a second job. If you find that you are using your credit regularly for day to day expenses and you are not paying the entire credit card balances off in a month, you may be headed for trouble. Additionally, shop for credit cards with the lowest annual percentage rates, the lower the rate the less money you pay for borrowing someone else’s money. Look for credit cards that offer at least 12 months 0% introductory offers on all balance transfers and keep transferring your balances so that you enjoy the benefit of borrowing someone else’s money at no cost to you.

3. Learn how to bank smart. Make sure to find a client-friendly bank that will work with you on a more personal level should you decide to start a small business at some point. Small “hometown” banks offer more personal service than larger conglomerates. Even consider joining a credit union whose main goal is to please its members as opposed to focusing on increasing profit margins at the expense of customers. Make sure that you are not overpaying for services that other lending institutions offer at no cost like free checks, limitless checking, “no minimum required “savings, free checking and savings etc. Get the most for your money. Once you have committed to a lending institution than establish a relationship with the staff, do not just be a drive thru or teller machine banker. This is a relationship that you want to nurture. Make sure to take good care of your reputation with your lending institution. For example, balance your checkbook daily. Deposit into your savings regularly. Request overdraft, if you have ever been negligent in balancing your checkbook and have bounced more than one check in the last year. It is better to take extra precaution than to be sorry, but it is far better to be disciplined when it comes to balancing your checkbook and watching your spending.

4. Learn about real estate investing. The majority of those that have amassed and retained the most wealth in the entire world have been those that have had the largest stakes in real estate. This does not require a college degree, but a willingness to find someone who is successful in your local real estate market and mimicking what they are doing. There are dozens of great books on the subject, read them all (smile). I, particularly enjoyed all of the books by Robert T. Kiyosaki, like Rich Dad, Poor Dad. As soon as you are able, purchase your first piece of property, no matter the condition, do so. As long as it is a “sure” investment that will yield an attractive margin of profit for you and you can handle the responsibilities and have sought the council of someone reputable and successful than pursue the purchase. Do this as often as you can do so, responsibly.

5. Learn the stock market. Aside of the trendy stocks with high profit yields that are volatile or have come and gone, penny stocks promising high profit margins to those who are willing to invest only pennies, the major vehicle used in the stock market for bringing profits to investors is the No-Load Mutual Fund. As a result, you will need to understand mutual funds. Make a concerted effort to learn how the stock market works, what the indices mean, what the trends are, what the common vehicles are for amassing profits, what the jargon is, how to read the Wall Street Journal and how to locate a broker for the best fees. Read all of the books, magazines, journals and articles on this subject matter. Even find a mentor who has demonstrated success in investing in the stock market.

6. Learn to make and keep key friendships. Making friends is usually easier than developing quality friendships. Both, however, require skill. One of the most potent resources that you will have will be that derived from your friend base, your network. In other words, many have found out far too late that their actual net worth is the extent of their network. Your network of friendships are those with whom you have found enough favor to request from them a favor on which your future might depend. They are those that might be able to offer you mentorship, provide sound and/or professional advice that would be costly otherwise, refer you for a position of employment or just simply be there for you in a time of transition. You must first present your self friendly and ready to attract and nurture the friendships you desire. There are a myriad of books on the subject matter. Become skilled in this area. Read, study and commit to the cause of building a solid network of friends.

7. Learn to speak in public. Being articulate is critical to your success. If you can not convey your message whatever it is, how will you have an audience? Your audience is anyone you desire to have listen to your idea, opinion, your plan. This includes friends and family. You must be able to comfortably get your point across in such a way it commands others to listen. You may start by taking a public speaking course or a series of such courses. You may join the Rotary Club or any organization that will afford you the experience. Start at church, if you can. Whatever you do begin as early as possible practicing your craft before a live audience. Over time, it will become easier and easier.

8. Learn to write. Being ableto get your point across on paper is critical as well. The greater the degree you can do this, the greater your likelihood for success. Take writing courses. Invest in dictionaries, grammar books and a thesaurus. Work diligently to increase your vocabulary.

9. Learn a critical second language. I consider a “critical” second language as any that will help you better communicate with your audience. If you are here in the United States, the fastest growing population is the Hispanic population, thus learning Spanish could be critical to your success. Determine what other languages are critical in your field of business and learn them.

10. Learn how to care for vital relationships. Many times we may have all the ingredients for being successful, but we are experiencing problems in our key relationships like those with our parents, siblings, children and/or significant others. We, in turn, take these problems into our work place giving our work less attention than is required for recognition and promotion. If this goes on year after year, you will find yourself at a dead end. Additionally, you may find it hard to deal with relationships in your field of business, at your place of employment etc. Practicing with our loved ones allows us a margin of error as they are more forgiving than strangers, typically. Read and study so that you might show yourself approved in this area.

11. Learn how to do a basic excel spreadsheet. Being able to do a spreadsheet can help you organize and plan properly for any event, whether small or major, whether personal or business. It can help you map out your strategy, your budget etc.

12. Learn what clothing and clothing style works best for you. We are judged more often by how we look than the content of our character. As a result, you must put effort into your appearance. Be willing to spend the effort, the energy and the funds to find out what clothes and clothing style best compliments you. Someone who has your opportunity could have written you off after seeing you in those dirty white canvas tennis shoes with the soiled run over sole.

13. Learn when to talk and when to be quiet.

14. Learn your strengths and weaknesses. Make money using your strengths and spend money working overcoming your weaknesses.

15. Learn who your enemies are. Most of the time, we are our worst enemy.In any case, if we learn to identify our enemies, than we can determine how to overthrow them. You must keep your mind, your options and your eyes open so that when your enemy appears to thwart your plan for success, you will know what to do to overtake the enemy. You will know how to deal with your enemies weakness.

16. Always thinks and speak positively. Do not speak negatively. Think of the positive in every situation and in every person. Your mindset will determine your success. Positive people are powerful people that recognize that the power of their words and thoughts affect their potential. Make your words and thoughts work for you not against you.

17. Do not gossip nor betray a confidence.

18. Always send cards and thank you notes, immediately. People always remember those who are humble, grateful and kind.

19. Learn to slay your ego, daily. More people fail because of their ego than for any other reason. Their ego keeps them from yielding to authority, learning from others, asking for help, making friends, climbing the ladder of success. Learn to identify when your ego is in the way and kill it!

20. Develop your confidence.Confident people achieve their goals more often than those who express that they have esteem issues. Deal with whatever issues are keeping you from being fully aware that you are wonderfully made, unique and have a special place to fill in this universe. Be willing to seek professional and/or spiritual help to address your esteem issues.

21. Do not be a part of the problem, but rather the solution. It is often easier for us to identify the problem than it is for us to identify the solution. Be willing to be a part of the solution. Seek an outsider’s view if necessary to help you develop a strategy for solving the problem.

22. Don’t look for a job, look for a career and an opportunity to start your own business.

23. Learn to run a business successfully, even if it’s the lemonade stand in your front yard. Start with something small and start when you are young as possible. You are not doing it so much for the money as for the practice and experience. Most of the world’s richest people own real estate, but most of them bought it with the money they earned from starting a business. Be willing to seek mentorship. Be willing to volunteer. Be willing to work hard and earn less, initially. Be willing to put in longer hours for your dream. Be willing to save for your dream. Be willing to count the cost, make the assessments and take the risks.

24. Become spiritually and morally grounded.

25. Steer clear of drugs and alcohol and any other destructive behaviors.

26. Take care of your teeth and your overall health.

27. Eat healthy and nutritious foods.

28. Drink at least 64 ounces of water daily.

29. Exercise for your health.

30. Contribute to charity or volunteer your time to a worthy cause.

Most of what was listed, you never learn in school. However, upon dedicated research you will find that the most successful and fulfilled people have done and/or doing everything that is listed. They may not have attended the best schools or even graduated from highschool, but they have discovered how to go after and obtain the most out of life.

Famous Quote:

Clink on picture, invest 100.00 to help women start a soapmaking business...

What is a good gift?

Tansia, can you get the door, I can see it’s the mailman, but I’m in the shower (laughing)”.

“Right and like I’m not doing anything”

Tansia made her way to the door, but missed the mailman by a fraction of a hair. She grabbed the mail out of the box and noticed a large box left on the stairs. The box was gift wrapped, who would send a wrapped gift via the United States Postal Service? Tansia picked up the box, inspected the beautiful royal blue and silver polka dot wrapping and read the packaging, it was a gift from her friend Reese. Wow, the box had made it all the way from Kent, England. Reese had decided to beat the Holiday crunch and had sent the gift for her shortly after Thanksgiving. Reese wanted to make sure that she had the present in time for Christmas and Hanukkah, Tansia observed both. Tansia, was reluctant to open the box because it reminded her of the holidays that were arriving shortly. She had to figure out what she was going to send Reese no to mention what she was going to get for family and friends. Last year, she had made gourmet cookie bouquets; the year before, she had filled oil candles large crystal vases which she had found at thrift stores and local discount stores with homemade essential oil candles; the year before that she had knitted hats and scarves and the year before that she had crocheted sweaters. Tansia’s budget had been rather shy for the last four years or so, she was working to put herself through medical school so she was always very conscientious about what she could afford and what was worthy for gift giving during the holiday season. She went to her favorite spot, the little garden room that they had turned into a workspace and office on the backside of the little old country cottage that they rented. She grabbed her tepid cup of green tea. She loved green tea and did not care, if it was hot, tepid or cold. She leafed through magazines and several cook and craft books and than decided to surf the internet for ideas, after emailing Reese and thanking him. She told him she was not opening the present until closer to the holiday, it was too beautifully wrapped and it was a miracle that the package had traveled such a distance intact and moreover, had survived Customs. She looked at the package again and sighed because she had about 30 gifts she needed to purchase and only had about $150.00 in her budget. She accepted that she had to either be creative or cut her list, but who could she cut? She could not cut her great Aunt Clarice who tried to give her back every gift she gave insisting that she needed to save her money, but had given her a new or at least what seemed like a brand new ten dollar bill every Hanukah for the last 21 years which was as long as she could remember. She could not cut her next door neighbors who fed her parrot, Keet and her slew of gold fish every Spring break when she and Melanie went away. She could not cut, the butcher who saved small choice cut morsels of steak for her and Melanie enough for them to have gourmet meals an entire month and spend only $40.00 per month for choice cuts of premium beef. She could not cut Merv, the manager at Starbuck’s who made sure she her coffee was perfect and when she had gone off and left her wallet, short a few pennies or came in really late near closing time made sure she had her favorite at no charge to her at all. She decided she would have to figure out what to do on the meager $150.00 that she had. What could everyone use? Soap, she thought. She would make homemade soap this time.

Tansia’s Instructions for making Cookie Bouquets:

The chocolate chip cookies

2 1/4 cups organic whole wheat King Arthur flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon sea salt

1 cup homemade fresh churned butter

Purchase fresh cream and allow to chill in the refrigerator for one day. The next day place cream in the jar until the jar is half full with cap tightly on jar. Let the jar sit for about 12-24 hours until cream smells sour. This is referred to as ripening, only ripened cream will develop butter that has a really buttery taste. Sit in your favorite chair and shake the jar, the faster and harder you shake, the faster the cream will thicken to a butter-like consistency. You will see a separation of liquid which is buttermilk and a separation of butter. Place the butter in a jar and work the water out and a little salt it. Stir the butter to the outer edge of the bowl and let the liquid fall to the center, save the liquid and continue to do so until there is little to no liquid than and in the teaspoon of sea salt.

3/4 cup Demerara sugar

3/4 cup packed organic brown sugar

3 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract

2 eggs

2 cups Sunspire Organic Semi-Sweet Chocolate and White Chocolate Morsels

1 cup chopped pecans

Prevention is the key to health. It is better to take proper care and precaution than to become ill and strive for recovery. There are several tests, immunizations and or examinations that every woman needs to have over her lifetime that will help her to prevent the onset of illness and disease.

Twice per year, you need to have a dental examination and teeth cleaning.

Once per year, you need to have the following examinations:

1. The Pelvic Exam and Pap Smear-During this examination the doctor with the assistance of a nurse will insert a speculum inside your vagina at the opening of the cervix. He/she will feel your organs to make sure that they are in proper position and are the proper size. After which he/she will scrape a few cells from your cervix for testing to make sure that you do not have any issues and/or disease associated with your reproductive system.

2. The overall annual health examination which usually included the pelvic examination and pap smear test once you become sexually active or reach the age of eighteen.

3. Blood Pressure Measurement which is usually a part of an annual health examination. The nurse will wrap a rubber cuff around your upper arm and inflate it. He/she will slowly release the air in the cuff while at the same time listen with the aid of a stethoscope for the heart’s pulse beats through your arm. He/she will measure your systolic and diastolic pressure levels which relate to the intervals that your heart contracts and than relaxes. There are risks associated when your heart does so too rapidly or too slowly.

4. Annual Mole Check or suspicious tissue growth can be a part of an annual examination, but is not always. This check needs to be conducted annually as moles and other tissue growths can be cancerous.

5. HIV test should be taken, if within any one year period you have injected drugs, had multiple sex partners or had sex with a man who is bisexual, you will need to be tested for HIV.

6. Tests for Sexually Transmitted Disease should be taken every year during your annual examination, if you have no symptoms and are sexually active.

7. Breast examinations should be a routine part of your annual examination, but you really should examine your breasts monthly checking for lumps. Should you feel a lump, consult your physician immediately.

Every other year, you need to have an eye examination. If you have a history of eye problems or diabetes in your family, you may need your eyes examined more frequently.

Every five years, after the age you start your menstrual cycle, you should have your cholesterol levels checked. During a cholesterol check, blood is drawn and is examined for cholesterol levels. You may ask at this time to have your blood composition analyzed to make sure you have the proper cholesterol levels blood sugar levels, hormones and nutrients needed to prevent poor health.

Every ten years, you will need a hearing examination.

Over the age of forty, you will need the additional following examinations every year:

a. Digital Rectal Examination to screen for colon cancer

b. Mammography where your breast will be x-rayed by placing them between plates and pressing them. The x-rays will be examined for irregular tissue growth that could be cancerous.

Over the age of fifty, you will need the additional following examinations every year:

a. Bone Mineral Density Test- The test with the aid of x-ray technology measure the density and health of your bones and identifies whether you are a likely candidate for osteoporosis. Measuring the density of the bones and taking proper precaution can prevent osteoporosis and unnecessary fractures. This test needs to be conducted earlier if you have had a hysterectomy and your ovaries were removed or if you are going through menopause and have not reached the age of fifty.

b. Colorectal Examination is necessary at the age of fifty, unless prior to fifty you have issues with your colon or rectum, suffer from inflammatory bowel disease or if you have any immediate relative that has suffered from colon cancer. You will be lightly sedated, while a long tube with a light attached to the end is inserted through you rectum. Since, colon cancer is one of the leading killers of American women, it is imperative that you have this examination as soon as it becomes necessary.

Critical Advice:

Please seek the advice of a physician any time you are not feeling your best, particularly if you have a fever, chills, vomiting, constant nausea, appetite gain or loss, sleepless nights, numbness of limbs, problems with eyesight, digestive tract issues, discharge from your vagina or any other part of your body, fowl smelling body odor or breath, migraines, constants pains and aches or a family history of any known disease. It is better to be safe than sorry. Furthermore, the faster you detect a problem, typically, the faster you recover.

Where is my Prince Charming?

Every young lady, every princess in waiting, every queen to be, wants her very own prince whether in shining armor, military fatigues, jogging suit or “Seven” jeans. Many times, we refuse to wait for that special someone that the Host of heaven has assigned to us. We run about looking to and fro and find what appears to be our prince. More often than not, because we have not waited our due season and have not inspected the “fruit” thoroughly, we find ourselves holding nothing more than an “ole“ toad. Occasionally and on the other hand, the frequently scorned, ridiculed and overlooked “ole” toad is the prince in disguise. By chance is your prince already in your “garden” waiting for you to pay attention to his admirable traits and attributes? There are a few telltale signs to observe that will help any young lady, any princess in keeping, any queen to be, make sure she does not wake up one morning to find her prince has turned into an “ole” toad, a scrub, a buster or a misfit.

1. He is a toad, if he does not keep his promises to you.

He could be the Prince, if he keeps his promises to you or if he attempts to do so and when he finds that he can not; he quickly, openly and earnestly communicates to you his position and provides you with an apology, substantiation and a plan to make good on his promise.

He is a toad, if he uses drugs and is in denial or if he tells you that he uses organic or homeopathic remedies for healing that include marijuana or “mushrooms”.

He could be the Prince, if he uses even prescription medication cautiously, carefully and responsibly. Moreover, he uses preventive methods for dealing with his health concerns.

He is a toad, if he uses profane, lascivious and/ or foul language.

He could be the Prince, if he is careful about the way he speaks to others and makes sure to exhibit kindness and courtesy to others.

He is a toad, if he wakes up late, retires to bed late and does not hold a job.

He could be the Prince, if he is early to rise whether he has gone to bed early or late and he is goal driven, working, working out or working on a project or on his way to work!

He is a toad, if he has been terminated from a position of employment.

He could be the Prince, if he has been promoted at any of the companies where he has held a position or if he has been recognized as a key player, integral part, high performer or noteworthy “trainee in waiting” for his promotion.

He is a toad, if he has criminal record of any kind.

He could be the Prince, if he is careful to observe and obey the law.

He is a toad, if he lives with his parents and does not pay bills or help with chores.

He could be the Prince, if he maintains his own home and is timely with meeting his financial obligations and is careful with the making sure to take care of his property or if he lives with his parents and is seen as asset and not a liability.

He is a toad, if he is always borrowing.

He could be the Prince, if he is capable of lending, but rarely, if ever borrows.

He is a toad, if he does not repay his lenders.

He could be the Prince, if he meets his arrangements as agreed.

He is a toad, if he has to cash his payroll check at check cashing establishments because he can not obtain a bank account.

He could be the Prince, if he has maintained a bank account in good standing and has not ever had it overdrawn.

He is a toad, if he does not have his own mode of transportation AND has no definite plans for securing his own transportation. As a matter of fact, he is comfortable having you drive him where he wants to go or borrowing your vehicle.

He could be the Prince, if he has his own transportation and no matter the age or kind, he treats it with considerable care making sure that it is always clean and maintained.

He is a toad, if he requests to borrow money, your credit cards, your vehicle or any of your possessions.

He could be the Prince, if he asks how he can help you and assures you he does not want any favors in return.

He is a toad, if all he talks about is sex, your body, other women, his buddies, drugs or any other such subjects.

He could be the Prince, if he talks about his future, his goals, his aspirations and is interested in your future, your goals and your aspirations.

He is a toad, if all he wants to do with you is have sex.

He could be a Prince, if he is willing to wait.

He is a toad, if he has a sexually transmitted disease or conducts himself in such a promiscuous manner that he is likely to have one.

He could be the Prince, if he is yet a virgin.

He is a toad, if he is caught telling lies or making excuses.

He could be the Prince, if he is accused of being to direct or straight forward.

He is a toad, if his friends are most important to him.

He could be the Prince, if God is first in his life.

He is a toad, if he dropped out of high school or plans to do so.

He could be the Prince, if he has completed any kind of training, certification and /or education that allows him to support himself and potentially a family.

He is a toad, if he does not open doors for you or walks ahead of you when you are together.

He could be the Prince, if he opens the doors for you, walks at your side and always on the outside for your added protection.

He is a toad, if he is indifferent to you and does not act like he cares whether you are present or a part of his life.

He could be the Prince, if treats you like the Princess.

He is a toad, if he acts like you are not there when he is around his friends, family or other young ladies.

He could be the Prince, if he proudly introduces you to everyone and not just as his friend, but someone significant to him.

He is a toad, if he makes excuses for never taking you to meet his family.

He could be the Prince, if he makes arrangements for you to meet members of his family and they are impressed as well as impressive.

He is a toad, if you only have his cell phone number and no other way to contact him.

He could be the Prince, if you can have access to him anywhere and at anytime.

He is a toad, if his family warns you about him.

He could be the Prince, if he is referred to by family and friends as a great “catch”.

He is a toad, if he suffers from an obvious mental disorder and is not seeking professional guidance.

He could be the Prince, if he is mentally stable and/or committed to his mental acuity, stamina and health.

He is a toad, if he is physically, mentally or emotionally abusive.

He could be the Prince if he finds abusing others in any form or fashion repulsive.

He is a toad, if he finds pornography, prostitution, or male only clubs suitable and regular recreation.

He could be the Prince, if he finds pornography, prostitution and other such related activities demoralizing and demeaning to all involved.

He is a toad, if he is a bisexual, a wimp or a chauvinist.

He could be the Prince, if he clearly knows what it is to be a man and he has no gender confusion and no needs to prove his is a real man.

He is a toad, if he is referred by others as childish, cocky, selfish, self-centered, abusive, thuggish, etc.

He could be the Prince, if he has a good name with others.

He is a toad, if he is a player and has more than one significant other.

He could be the Prince, if he values monogamy.

He is a toad, if he has multiple children by multiple partners.

He could be the Prince, if he has made sure that he does not have any children out of wedlock or he has made arrangements to responsibly care for his children.

He is a toad, if his hobbies are bar hopping, gambling and drinking.

He could be the Prince, if his hobbies are golfing, fishing, running, wrestling, painting, sculpting, gardening, yachting, etc and he is sure to include you or make sure that his extra-curricular activities do not adversely impact your relationship.

He is a toad, if he forgets regularly to commemorate special holidays with you such as Christmas, Valentine’s Day etc and for the most part treats his parents and/or other family members with the same disregard.

He could be the Prince, if he never neglects to celebrate you and others that he l0ves.

He is a toad, if he never thinks about surprising you with small tokens of his affection and/or appreciation for you.

He could be the Prince, if always finds ways to make you smile.

He is a toad, if he hurts you.

He could be the Prince, if he is careful not to hurt you and hurts when you are hurting.

He is a toad, if he is short-tempered and/or behaves irrationally.

He could be the Prince, if he handles himself calmly and rationally.

He is a toad, if he can not communicate his concerns, feelings etc openly with you.

He could be the Prince, if he seeks to keep the lines of communication open with you.

He is a toad, if he is not comfortable demonstrating his love for you and is not affectionate.

He could be the Prince, if he openly displays his affection and admiration for you.

He is a toad, if his friends call him Buster, Loser, Chump, Sorry on a regular basis as if it is his birth name.

He could be the Prince, if his friends call him a nerd or a square.

He is a toad, if he is constantly at the center of rumors.

He could be the Prince, if he abhors gossip and dispels rumors.

He is a toad, if he has citations, default notices, complaints, warrants etc.

He could be the Prince, if he has awards, certificates, trophies, commendations, ribbons spanning over many years.

He is a toad, if he tells you he is.

He could the Prince, if he shows you he is!

Quote to remember: Some pray to marry the man they love, my prayer will somewhat vary; I humbly pray to Heaven above that I love the man I marry. Author Rose Stokes, Pastor

Words to Remember:

Lascivious – usually intense or unbridled sexual desire; lustful 

Adversely impact – negative impression of one thing on another

Why do I have to deal with his kids?

Some of you may yourselves be step children, may find yourself becoming someone’s step child and/or have a child or children that will be faced with this challenge. Understanding how to ease the pain and frustration associated with the “blended” family dynamic can be challenging. However, overcoming the challenges can be rewarding, if every one puts their best foot forward. I requested my step mother’s input. Below are the tips that she provided which you will find useful, if you find yourself in this family dynamic.

Ten Tips for a Step Child:

1) BE PATIENT: Sometimes adults don’t act very adult. Sometimes parents don’t know how to parent. Sometimes you, the child, have to be the adult.

2) TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY: There is always two sides to every relationship, two points of view and sometimes more than one truth. It’s perfectly normal, if living with Mom, to be on her side, especially if it’s the only side you know. But the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle, so stay open mind and open hearted to the other side of the relationship coin.

3) STEP PARENTS HAVE FEELINGS TOO: Step parents, contrary to popular belief, are human beings too. It may turn out that they may be just as scared as you are of loss and rejection. It’s completely normal to want your parents to reconcile and live happily ever after. But if that’s not the case, then make the effort and try to get to know the new Stepparent. In doing so, you are giving and receiving a gift that can last a lifetime.

4) COMMUNICATION: Get in touch and stay in touch with your Step parent any way you can: phone, email, fax, snail mail, smoke signals, carrier pigeons or jungle drums. It doesn’t matter how, just do it. Don’t let yourself be forgotten.

5) HOUSE OF GUILT: Remember this: It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself for:

~ your parents breaking up;

~ your parents living apart;

~ your parents not getting back together.

It has nothing to do with you. These are adult, parental decisions that unfortunately impacts your life.

6) DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL: Bad parenting skills doesn’t mean they are bad people, it just means that they are damaged children in grown up bodies.

7) THE WICKED STEP MOTHER: Being a parent is a hard job but being a Step Mother is very complicated indeed. To many women, the title of Mother is one that must be earned the hard way and not rec’d just because of a marriage to a man with children. That’s why the Step Mom may be reluctant to come forward into the role because she don’t feel worthy of the title.

But give her a chance. Be open and honest and explain to your Step Mom what you want the relationship to be. You may be pleasantly surprised that she had been waiting for this signal from you all along and can’t wait to establish a connection with you.

LOYALTIES: If you live with your Mom, it’s perfectly normal to be very close to and protective of her. Don’t be afraid that you are somehow being disloyal to her if you try and establish a relationship with your Dad and Step Mom. Your Mother may feel threatened by this new reality, so reassure her that she is, of course, irreplaceable.

9) WHERE’S DAD: When Father’s start to withdraw from their parental responsibilities, it could be a multitude of reasons why. It’s normally caused by issues between him and his ex-spouse, but it could also be that he lacked a paternal role model and doesn’t know how to be an everyday, available father figure. It can also be an age and cultural related issue, most older Fathers, especially from another country tend to leave all the child rearing responsibilities for the women. We need to bring dear old Dad into the 21st century and fast!

10) IT’S NEVER TO LATE: To repair a damaged or nonexistent relationship. You can’t fix the past or predict the future, but you most definitely have control of your here and now. Take the initiative and create a new starting point. With some effort and a lot of love, you and your parents, biological or Step, can create the relationship you always had hoped it would be.

Contributor: Josephine Peraza, the wonderful and loving step mother

My father and I have had a rather strange relationship. I loved him and I am sure he knew it and I knew he loved me, the best he could, but I longed for a relationship with him for more than 30 plus years, but we were rather estranged and disconnected. I think that it may have to do something with his and my mother’s relationship, but I am not certain. When he remarried, I gave up hope of ever having a relationship with him, thinking he had all he needed and since he had not really made a concerted effort prior, he certainly would not, with a wife. Even, if there were no other children at the time, I felt that he would not be inclined to work on our relationship. Nonetheless, time passed and just recently we were reunited. I am elated, I can thank my step mother for her love and support. Without her, it would have been impossible. As a result of her devotion and wisdom, I requested her input. I know that many of you will date men, become engaged to men and marry men with children. You may learn what it feels like to be a “step-mother” and to have the responsibility of blending two families together. Your love, support, understanding and maturity will be critical and may have the greatest impact as to whether the family bonds are broken or built and strengthened.

Here are her tips:

Ten Tips for Step Mothers

1) BE CIVILIZED: Yes, there will be plenty of guilt, accusations, finger pointing, mistrust and rage to go around. But that doesn’t mean you have go jump into the drama and make it worse. Mutual respect, especially among the adults is key. Be part of the solution and not just an additional problem. Children end up paying dearly for insensitive, adult behavior. This child didn’t ask to be born, so it falls to the adults (all of them) to act like adults.

2) BE A PARTICIPANT, NOT A BYSTANDER: Although you are the Step Mom, don’t let your Step child (ren) down by only being a spectator in his/her/their life. Life goes by so fast and the child becomes an adult in a blink of an eye. By not actively participating in your Step child’s life, you are shortchanging both you and the child from one of life’s most precious gifts, memories.

3) GUILT DESTROYS THE SOUL: Guilt is a useless, life destroying waste of time and energy. If you are harboring guilty feelings in regard to your Step child, take action right away. Apologize, ask forgiveness, forgive yourself and turn the page….next chapter. Just don’t do it again!

4) CREATE YOUR OWN TRIBE: Ok, so it’s not the Cosby Family or the Brady Bunch, but then, it never is. Why not create a brand new type of family arrangement, with it’s own unique set of customs. Raising a child is group effort. With everyone pulling together and for the sake of the children, it’s a recipe for success.

5) YOUR HUSBAND-THE INVISIBLE MAN: If you have a spouse that is negligent in his parental responsibilities due to issues with his ex, lack of parenting skills or whatever, it then becomes your duty, as his wife, the Step Mom, to STEP UP and be the adult, the mature one and do the right thing. Take the incentive and take over until your spouse, the child’s father, can be brought up to snuff. Don’t let his parental insecurities or problems with his ex get in the way of you and he participating in his child’s life.

6) STEP PARENTS VS. BIOLOGICAL PARENTS: You, as a Step parent, need to know this going in: You will never be on equal footing with anyone in this biological equation. But that doesn’t mean your input into the family dynamic is not valid or that you cannot be a positive contributor to the co-parenting team. As a matter of fact, a Step Mom can bring a fresh perspective and attitude into this biological mix.

7) GROW UP: Come on….you’re supposed to be an adult. Like it or not, you are now in this child’s life and you need to take it seriously. Some insecurity and uncertainness is normal. Possibly, some parenting classes may be helpful, check out the local library or book store for Step parenting assistance or research the subject on the web. Whatever you do, make the effort to be the best Step mom you can possibly be. Your Step child is worth it.

THE CONNECTION: The relationship between Step Mom and child is supposed to take time, the period of adjustment can be as short as long as is necessary, but stretching it out is not a must. This is not necessarily so. Much depends on how much both parties want it to happen. It could be an instant rapport and connection, but if not, don’t take the child’s rejection to heart. They may be hurt and angry, but it’s not because they hate you personally, they hate what’s happened to them and their family. Put yourself in the child’s shoes. How would you feel?

But if you are very lucky (like me), to have such a wise and wonderful Step daughter, consider yourself blessed.

9) THE BOTTOM LINE:

~ It’s not always going to go smoothly, but such is life;

~ Be yourself and do the very best you can;

~ Communication is essential. Misunderstandings get totally blown out of proportion and take on a life of there own when there is a lack of contact;

~ Your Step child needs all the love and support you can offer;

~ Be available to your Stepchild, both emotionally and physically.

10) IT’S NEVER TOO LATE:

~ To start over;

~ To apologize and ask forgiveness;

~ To bond;

~ To love.

Contributor: Josephine Peraza, a wonderful and loving step mother.

Jacoby and Jelissa had been dating very casually for quite some time, but were considering dating exclusively. They wanted to talk to all of their friends who were or had been in the same predicament. Jacoby was Irish and Jelissa was Congolese and British. They were beginning to face a little adversity as a result, but wanted to really work toward building a solid foundation to give their relationship a chance. They had five couples that could provide insight:

They would talk to Kevin and Tatiana. Kevin was African-American and Tatiana was Romanian.

They had been dating for five years. His mother seemed indifferent, his father thought it was the best option for him and her parents were angry.

They would talk to Carlo and Margo. Carlo was a very dark Honduran, looking nearly African American and Margo was French. They were engaged and had been together three years. They had struggled through not only racial issues, but through religious issues. Carlo’s family had practiced Santeria and Catholicism inter-mingling the two and Margo was a devout Catholic.

They would talk to Terrique and Miyoko. Terrique was Haitian and African-American and Miyoko was Japanese. They had dated for two years. Neither of their families cared much for their relationship.

They would talk to Earl and Misty. Earl was British upper-class and Misty was Israeli and German.

They had toiled with race, class and religious issues.

They would talk to Torrence and Alysha. Torrence was African-American and Caucasian-American and Alysha was Russian. They had two children, one who had strong ethnic features and one that had no ethnic features whatsoever. They were working through issues with their children who were struggling with their identities.

Kevin and Tatiana cared deeply for one another, but in the course of their relationship Kevin came to the realization that he initially only wanted to date Tatiana because she was supposed to be “off-limits”. He was African-American and she was “Caucasian”, but not just “Caucasian”, she was a prize to be possessed with her “modelesque” physique, aqua blue eyes, nearly translucent white porcelain like skin and long straight thin and wispy naturally platinum blond hair. Tatiana hated to admit the same, she had found Kevin intriguing because he seemed to fit the stereotype of African-American men. He was a basketball playing smooth talker with a wonderful physique. He was very dark and with strong African features, a wide nose and full lips. For years, Tatiana did not tell her parents about Kevin because in many ways, he fit the stereotype. Kevin had a son whose mother was African American, they had dated for six months when she became pregnant. Kevin barely saw his son and managed only every now and again to send money to his mother. Kevin had dropped out of college because he had lost his basketball scholarship, as a result of too much partying and womanizing and was a bouncer at various area night clubs. Tatiana had met Kevin at a strip club where she was dancing and where he had obtained a job, her stripping was a secret they kept from her parents. She quit stripping which paid for her college education and became a nurse, he continued as a bouncer, until she urged him to return to school agreeing to support them both. Kevin’s mother was indifferent. Kevin’s father was intrigued wishing he had scored “a prize”. Tatiana’s parents were racist. They referred to Kevin as a n- – - a. Initially, when he and Tatiana would argue and insults would be hurled back and forth, Kevin referring to her as a whore, she referring to him a the nasty n- word, their relationship was threatened. Only as a result of counseling and the fact, that they both realized that they had been socially conditioned to desire one another. He esteemed everything that was not associated with his “blackness” and so he chased her. She, on the same hand had been raised to look down on anything remotely associated with “blackness” and to value her “whiteness” and so she encouraged the pursuit and grew to find it beguiling. It felt good to be wanted and not to want, to be rejecting instead of being rejected, to be chased and pursued. Kevin had to work through why he worshipped her and she had to work through why she felt that he should. Jacoby realized that he and Jelissa shared some of the same issues. He hated to admit that he harbored some stereotypical views of Africans. In his mind, they had all been poor, savage and dirty. This was quite the contrary. Jelissa’s family were all successful doctors and scholars, highly educated people. Jelissa looked down on Jacoby’s background. The Irish had always been inferior to the Brits, she had the history lessons to back up her views. They finally worked through the lies and together determined the truth. Fear mixed with greed had been the culprit in the largest to the most personal “racial” wars.

Carlo and Margo were considering marriage. Carlo’s family did not want him to marry Margo, though they thought she was gorgeous and smart. They wanted him to marry a girl from their village. If Carlo would not marry someone from their village, at least from their country and if not from their country, at least one who spoke Spanish. They feared that Carlo would forget his culture, his roots, his language and that their grandchildren would grow up speaking French and English instead of Spanish and English. Carlo was a Spanish and professor at Sorbonne in France and Margo was an English professor. They met and fell in love after having to share a small office for a year. Their families loved that they shared the same religion, but only Carlo was aware that Margo’s family felt that his beliefs were “demonic”. They, even, suggested that he be exorcised because of his belief in a voodoo cult. Both Carlo and Margo were taking religious courses to better understand the origins of their shared religion and to better evaluate the differences. They admitted it was an arduous task. Many times, the had wanted to throw in the towel, but their devotion kept them working on the relationship. They were considering leaving the Catholic faith, altogether and Carlo knew that would be the only hope for him if he wanted to forgo his traditions in Santeria.

Terrique and Miyoko were musicians. He played the drums and she played the piano and flute. They had been in a band together in Japan. He was a military brat whose family maintained residence in Japan where his father had retired. They had a nice home in Virginia that his family rented to a young couple. Miyoko’s family owned a sake factory and a green tea farm and were very wealthy Both families wanted to maintain their traditions. Terrique’s Haitian born mother was very strict as was Miyoko’s Japanese father. Terrique’s mother wanted him to marry a Haitian girl, one who his family had known for years. Miyoko’s father had arranged her wedding for the most part to a successful Japanese businessman that he had sponsored since early childhood when his father, once one of the workers on Miyoko’s father’s farm had passed. Terrique was about to sign a record deal in the United States and he and Miyoko were thinking about eloping without their parent’s blessings. Terrique thought his mother was being unreasonable, why had she agreed to stay in Japan and nearly raise him like a Japanese, instead of returning to Brooklyn and raising him around other Haitians, if she wanted him to be like his cousins who spoke Creole and only married Haitian girls?

Earl had met Misty, while vacationing in Milan. Misty, actual name was Hadassah named after the Jewish queen better known as Esther. Misty was a successful fashion editorialist and model. Earl was a geneticist, he worked in one of his family’s research labs. His family was a very well respected and wealthy family having amassed their fortune, owning one of the most successful pharmaceutical firms in Europe. Misty’s family was Jewish, owning diamond mines in Israel and diamond brokerage firms in Belgium. Her father was a German Jew, whose family was originally from Israel and her mother was born and raised in Israel. Both families preferred their children to marry in their race, religion and class. Earl’s parents wanted him to marry one of the girls from Britain’s upper-class, the kind of girls Earl referred to as “plain Janes”. They wanted her to be Anglican as well like they had raised Earl. Misty’s parents wanted her to marry an orthodox Jew, even though she had relaxed her religious standards, they had hoped by marrying someone that was Orthodox, she would return to the ways in which she had been raised. Earl and Misty reluctantly had broken up, realizing that it would be best if they pursued their destinies according to their family blueprints. They remained close friends and knew that they would love one another always. They accepted that it would be an insurmountable burden to try to bond, raise children and to be estranged from their families.

Torrence and Alysha had met through their mothers. Both mothers were involved in a single parent organization. They had met and married. They had plenty of family support. They knew being an interracial couple would be challenging and it was. They knew that raising multi-racial children would be difficult and it was. What they had not anticipated was one daughter would look very African American with the exception of the finer and longer hair, after all Torrence was only ½ African American, but Chelsea clearly picked up the genes from her African American heritage. She had dark brown eyes, thick coiled hair, a wide nose, full lips and skin that tanned to the darkest brown. At best, she looked like she may have been African American with a touch of Latin blood, but certainly not Caucasian. Leslea, on the other hand, did not look at all like she has any African American blood. She had green eyes, light auburn hair, fair skin, a keen nose and freckles. Alysha was frustrated frequently by the attention that her Caucasian family members and friends gave Leslea. She was referred to as the pretty one and Alysha assumed it was because Leslea looked more Caucasian. Alysha was referred to as the dark one, the black one, the other one. Leslea was invited to parties, Alysha was left out often. The girls went to a predominantly Caucasian school and when they both tried out for the cheering squad, Alysha was surprised when Leslea made the team and Chelsea did not. Leslea had taken only three years of dance and two years of gymnastics when she decided she was only interested in music. Chelsea had won numerous awards and competitions in both dance and gymnastics. When Alysha asked the coach, she just said that Leslea was a better fit for the team, Alysha noticed that all the girls were Caucasian. The girls began to bicker and fight over color issues, complexion issues, hair grade issues and so the whole family opted for counseling.

After talking to their friends Jacoby and Jelissa came to a few realizations:

1. When determining to date outside of their race, they needed to evaluate very honestly why they felt they were willing to do so. Was it due to social pressure, social dictates, social constraints, a desire to rebel?

2. They needed to consider what their own personal guidelines for beauty, self acceptance and self-preservation were. Did they assume certain races were more beautiful, more gifted, more acceptable, more desirable over others and if so why?

3. They needed to accept that they would be under tremendous pressure and scrutiny by others and by one another with the issue of stereotyping possibly surfacing.

4. They needed to be willing to seek counseling for issues of self-hatred, self-loathing, racism, bigotry, etc. Some of these issues are at the core and not at the surface and thus are not detectable easily.

5. They needed to be honest about what they felt they were gaining by stepping outside the lines.

6. They needed to be honest about what they felt they were losing.

7. They needed to make sure that they did not offend the other.

8. They needed to accept early on that there would be challenges.

9. They needed to learn to have a healthy relationship with one another, in spite of differences.

10. They needed to understand the outside views about their relationship. They will have to protect their relationship from such views.

* I have used the term ‘dating/marrying outside of your experience’ to indicate any dating/marrying that occurs with between two people who do not share the same race, religion and/or class.

Pros:

a. Dating/ marrying outside of your experience broadens your horizons.

b. Dating marrying outside of your experience increases your chances to find that special someone that cares for you especially.

c. Dating/marrying outside of your experience allows you see the world differently and to pay attention to what traditions you have maintained and why.

d. Dating/marrying outside of your experience helps you to overcome issues of racism and bias.

e. Dating/marrying outside of your experience helps you to challenge and understand stereotypes.

f. Dating/marrying outside of your experience provides you with much needed “diversity training” that is useful in today’s workplace.

g. Particularly for African American women who have demonstrated the highest likelihood of being spouseless when compared to their counterparts from other races, dating/marrying outside increases their odds of finding that special someone. This would be true for anyone willing to date/marry outside of his/ her experience.

Cons:

a. There are plenty of willing participants looking for partners in within your realm of experience, be it race or religion.

b. Hidden and undetected bias when it surfaces can result in hard feelings, resentment and a irreparable damage between partners.

c. Dating/marrying outside of your experience can result in isolation from current family and friend’s who share certain values, beliefs, religious practices that are contrary to your values beliefs, religious practices etc.

d. Dating/marrying outside of your race may isolate you, even, after you have terminated the relationship. For example, many people find that they have a difficult time securing new relationships when they have children of mixed heritage, particularly when they are Caucasian and their children are part, African or African-American. Many Caucasian women with children that are half African-American have little success dating Caucasian men after having dated and/or having children with an African-American man.

Jacoby and Jelissa were determined to try to make it work, against all odds.